I once thought lamenting was reserved for those grieving death. But, the more I read the Psalms, I realize how very wrong I was. Through my health struggles over the years, I did my best to be strong and put on a smile. I believed that I was being a good Christian by suffering as silently as I could. We are called to endure suffering as a soldier of Christ, are we not? Yes we are, but we are also called to bare our souls before God.
About a year ago I hit a very low point, and I was forced to be more honest with people. Yet still I felt it necessary to add a “but” to whatever difficult or negative thing I would share. Something like, “Well this week I was given some more bad test results, but I know God will work it all out for good eventually.” Somehow I couldn’t just make a comment and leave the ending unresolved. It felt too out of control.
I sought after God with all my strength but all I felt was silence and abandonment. I spent hours seeking God and trying to sense his presence. Didn’t he say that if I sought him with all my heart, I would find him? My past was full of intimate moments with my Savior, yet he felt a thousand miles away. All I wanted to do was cry, and yet everything in me resisted. I just needed to try harder to sense God’s presence and get past the deep depression that threatened to overwhelm me. But my efforts failed. The dam broke, and the tears started flowing.
What did I feel? I was embarrassed and ashamed to answer. So many things I didn’t think I should feel about God: abandonment, forsaken, and at times like he’d misled me. I even felt anger, which was alarming. I knew in my head that God would never forsake or abandon his children, yet my heart was trumping what I knew to be true. In that moment, I felt God’s pursuit of my inmost heart, all of it. Hesitantly, I began to share my raw emotions with the Creator of the universe.
Why was it so hard to pour out my heart to God? Foremost, it was because I was deathly afraid of dishonoring him in the process. I had such a deep fear of God in my heart, and I didn’t want to say anything that would dishonor his Name. I also had a fear of letting God down by not being able to “handle” my suffering, the lot in life he had allowed. As I admitted this, I had to chuckle, let God down? Now who was I that God would be let down by me? Really? And yet, I truly felt that I needed to have neat saintly prayers and continue to always express my unrelenting trust in God no matter what.
During this time, I came across Isaiah 29:13 (ESV), “this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men.” Lord, surely this wasn’t me? I felt I had been earnestly seeking God with everything in me. I was trying to do the “right” thing and respond in a godly way. I felt I had sacrificed so much in the process of my affliction, and yet I was left frustrated because I didn’t feel God was holding up his end of the bargain. As the process continued to unfold, I began to see more of my heart exposed.
There is a reason Jeremiah says the heart is deceitful above all things. I was beginning to experience it. In my desperation to get out of my suffering I was so focused on trying to do whatever I could to get there. I tried everything. I took all the suggestions people gave me – daily declarative statements of healing, confessing every sin, battling through worship, seeking spiritual gifts, speaking in tongues, spiritual warfare, longer prayer times, and the list went on. Now, I don’t think any of these is wrong, and I am sure God used these disciplines to help me through day by day. But, the problem was when I got in the way. I was making myself too big, and God too small.
God wants our hearts; exposed, raw, and open before him.
“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8 ESV).
I love you Karis! Thank you for sharing your heart! I have prayed many prayers for your health- it seems a small thing of gratitude for someone who has encouraged me so much in my faith. I know God hears our prayers and I’m hoping He answers them this side of heaven. It’s hard to understand why, but know you are not alone- so many people pray beside you, love you, and wish they could take some of your bad days off of your shoulders. You are a beautiful soul! – Melissa M.
Thank you, dear Karis, for sharing the struggle, your thoughts, and what God is teaching you. As others have said, I’d love to be able to take some of the burden for you. I can’t, but please know that I love you and am praying for you.
Thank you Aunt Beth. I’m so thankful that God‘s grace is enough, sufficient for each day. Sometimes when I think about tomorrow it feels too much, but he is faithful. I know God uses every prayer of his people to keep us in his sustaining grace, so thank you for praying!
Hi Dear Daughter! We fought through and got on your blog site! Honest, heart-touching and scriptural words you share. Just recently in reading through the Psalms again I came across another two that do not have a “happy ending:” Ps 88 which ends with “You [God] have taken away my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend” (NIV). Then I had to chuckle at how the last 14 verses of Ps 89 full of complaints are followed by v 52: “Praise be to the LORD forever!” to end Book 3 of Psalms! And of course consider how God considered Job’s raw accusations and complaints as better than those of his 3 “pious comforters”! So yes He can handle our poured out hearts, and welcomes them, along with humility! We love you Dear One.