I would love to be fearless. After so many years of fighting fear, it seems I should be a champion at it by now—but I am far from that. The neuropathy that has been in my feet and calves for seven years now has been creeping up my thighs over the last week, causing more weakness and pain than I usually feel. Every night I wake up to burning legs, numb limbs, and a racing heart. I have named it the terror of the night. Fear seems to meet me at every moment of my day, pounding at the door I keep locking, trying desperately to get rid of this thief who has stolen so much of my life. But no matter how often I tell it to go, it keeps creeping back. Fear has a way of sneaking into our lives, and we don’t realize how or when it re-enters. Fear feeds us lies and if we are not vigilant, our minds take these lies and create scenarios that only exaggerate the fear we are already drowning in.
When my neuropathy advances, I imagine myself in a wheelchair. I wonder how I will be able to handle all the things that come with being handicapped. And then a thousand questions flood my mind. It’s like the paralyzing numbness in my legs is creeping into my heart and capturing my entire mind, body, and soul. I shut down and become like a caged bird without hope. All joy is drained from my being. How can I go on? And how many times have I been in this place?
It makes me furious to think about how much this affliction has stolen from me and that it continues to! Why can’t I look this fear in the face and say “No, I chose to have faith!”? Even if I become paralyzed or lose my legs, I can still have hope. Even as I write this, I wonder if I would be strong enough to endure this. After almost two decades of illness, the weariness of more feels too much to bear. But how can I give up now? It all feels very impossible without the miraculous work of the Holy Spirit.
The phrase “do not fear” appears in the Bible 365 times. God is perfect in all his ways and this number is no different. We need a reminder not to fear every day of the year. And some of us need it more often. I do believe I can win this battle with fear. I say this in complete faith because I have not seen it…yet. I imagine myself being free of fear. Whatever dreadful thing comes my way does not shake me because I am safe in God. I can smile and laugh at the days to come when fear is beating at the door because God’s grace will be sufficient for all my needs. God will never leave me or forsake me. I don’t have to stay locked in the cage of hopelessness, because Jesus is my Living Hope.
Satan is the father of lies and the instigator of fear. He has already lost the battle, but he will continue to attack us until he is finally banished to hell. The battle is real and every moment we can choose to live in defeat or to live as victors because we know the final outcome. Right now, we do not see everything in subjection to God, but we do see Jesus (Hebrews 2:9). We do not need to live as slaves to fear because we have already been given the standing of children of God. Jesus has purchased our freedom on the cross. There is no room for fear when the fullness of Jesus takes over. At this moment I chose to say no to fear and yes and amen to every promise from God.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 ESV
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me: your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4 ESV
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.” Psalm 46:1-3 ESV
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27 ESV
