I looked over the beautiful arrangement of roses, but instead of feeling joy, anger and disappointment rose in my heart. Seventeen years of marriage, but we were in no condition to celebrate. We took the vows “in sickness and health” on our marriage day. We’ve covered the “in sickness” but have yet to look forward to the “in health” part of that vow.
The thought that kept pervading my mind was: it’s not fair. My logical self repeatedly reprimanded this childish complaint but didn’t stop its persistence. I was lying in bed with a body ache, sore throat, and stomach pains that kept me running to the toilet. Hour after hour, the day slowly ticked by with no relief. Not only was I sick, but the whole family was. So, my husband and I took turns caring for the kids. Honestly, it was mostly Ben because I was too weak to stand up. Esther lay next to me, groaning and whimpering off and on. Tears were coming from my eyes also, but I did my best to hid them from the kids. We had been sick so much over the last several months. When the first signs of sickness started a few days ago, I pleaded with God that he would bring healing and no one else would get sick. After 24 hours, it looked like God answered my prayer, and I overflowed with thanksgiving. The next few hours, however, proved different. One after another, we all fell sick.
Back to it’s not fair. It’s something I often heard growing up and frequently tell my children. And yet, there’s something inside of us that wants things to be fair, and when it’s not, we feel we are being punished, overlooked, or even cursed. After having chronic illness for 18 years, I am very aware that life is unfair. But having to watch my family suffer repeatedly touches a different nerve. God has blessed us in many ways, and I don’t take that for granted, but we do seem to have a lot of illness in our home. We had to cancel a few obligations because of the illness, and a part of me resisted wanting to share that we were sick again. Shame and embarrassment started asking questions. Will people think we were unsanitary? That we didn’t care for our kids well? That we somehow deserved this punishment? As I write this out, such questions sound foolish, but the struggle was real.
My heart towards God was not one of tenderness and gratitude. I even regretted my prayers of thanksgiving after I thought God had spared us from the sickness spreading. In the next breath, I was repenting. With the brokenness of body comes a brokenness in spirit that can be pliable in our Heavenly Father’s skilled hands. It often takes a crushed spirit to expose the depravity of the heart and the willingness to humbly come before the Lord, recognizing our need. I’d like to say that, after so many years, I do this well, but my selfishness and entitlement for what I believe I deserve still win out sometimes.
This morning, all the passages in my quiet time were about God’s great mercy and compassion: God rescuing David when he was in the grip of his enemies (Psalm 18), God agreeing to Abraham’s pleas to spare Lot’s family in the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18:32), and God relenting to destroy Jerusalem after David sinned (1 Chronicles 21:15).
It’s almost like God was proving his mercy to me and reminding me that he is the same God who cares for my family and me. Brokenness can reveal the best or the worst of us – or a combination of both. But when we turn to God, he is always ready to receive us.
In Psalm 51:17, David says, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” So let us neither despise a broken and contrite heart. But see it for what it is—an opportunity to offer up sacrifices to God in humility. Surrendering our need to have a fair life. Giving up our plans for a special anniversary. Laying down our desires to be seen by others in a certain light. Entrusting our brokenness to God, who is more than able to put us back together.
How do you respond when life is unfair?
Is there an area of brokenness in your life in which you have not fully surrendered to God?
Where do you see the mercy of God in your life right now?
Sometimes I feel God has abandoned me. The medical challenges I deal with, and the lonliness I sometimes have to endure makes me feel that my life isn’t worth living. I know these thoughts are not of God. But sometimes Life can get overwelming. The Gifts that God has given me are nothing short of a Miracle. I use them for His Glory. God has never promised a life without trials. Many are the afflictions of the Rightous, but the Lord will deliver them from all of them. Jesus also said in this life you will have trouble, but Jesus has overcome the world. Worship has always made a way of escape Spiritually for me.The trials we endure in this life are no comparison to the Glory to come.
Amen Tom! Well said. Many times life can feel overwhelming, but God. What a Savior and what a hope we have. Keep the faith brother. You are talented in so many ways, thank you for using your gifts to build up the church.
“Surrendering our need to have a fair life.” This is hard obedience but a necessary part of figuring out life and you have met it head on dear daughter!
I am so blessed to be your mother looking on from afar. at you all coming down again with a virus. My heart breaks and I surrender you all over again. I so regret not being close to you especially in your times of pain and am feeling this is unfair. But with your skill of pen, I have kept up with you and not missed seeing the beauty coming out of your heart and soul. Thank you again today for writing to us.
Love, Your Mother in Wisconsin
Thank you for your heart of love and compassion, Mom. You feel deeply for people and you have amazing faith to keep praying no matter what. I am blessed to call you Mom.