I thought I would be healed by now. Instead, I’m pregnant. I thought I had an idea of how God would work. But I never imagined this. I thought I couldn’t handle another thing. But now I am in way over my head. A feeling I literally experienced many years ago in the ocean water beaches of Costa Rica.
I was 19 years old. The beach was stunning, and the waves were fierce. I was swimming in the ocean enjoying the expanse of God’s power and beauty. Out of nowhere, an undercurrent swept me deep into the water. I struggled violently, seeking to find which way was up. Screaming did not help, only left my mouth full of salty water. Panic overtook me. The more I fought, the more I was tossed. After some time my strength was spent. I couldn’t do anything. I felt myself surrendering to the waves. My heart lifted a final prayer to the Lord, only he could save me now. Somehow in that surrender, my body floated to the surface. I gulped in water and air, choking and spitting with my head just above the water. I was alive, barely.
I had experienced the saying of being “in over my head.” It was horrible. Frightening. Paralyzing. Completely out of control. But, I learned something at that moment. My fighting and thrashing to find air only plunged me deeper into the water. I was actually working against myself. Only when I surrendered, did my body float to the surface. Whether it was the body’s natural ability to float or God’s miraculous saving, or some of both, it only happened through surrender.
Bethel Music published a song about this very thing. The first couple of times I heard the song, I disliked it intensely. For too long had I felt “in over my head,” and these days even more so. It certainly wasn\’t something I wanted to sing about. For those unfamiliar with this song, here is a sample of the chorus,
“Then You crash over me and I\’ve lost control but I\’m free
I\’m going under, I\’m in over my head
And You crash over me, I\’m where You want me to be
I\’m going under, I\’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
Oh it makes no difference when I\’m beautifully in over my head”
Beautifully in over my head? I wouldn’t go that far yet. But, if it’s God’s doing, I would like to say I can’t wait until I’m there. A place where my heart feels at rest and sees the beauty of God’s sovereign plan above my safety and comfort.
Being in over one’s head is not a new predicament. One psalmist expressed it this way, “Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me” (Psalm 42:7). He is addressing God here. God has caused his very being to feel as though he is being swallowed up in a torrent of water.
Something I have learned as I surrender more to God is that he is not a safe God. At least not in the way that we think of safety. We all want our safe little lives to stay under control. But, that does not often seem to be God’s way. He is a God of bigger things. To us, his ways may feel risky, dangerous, unorthodox, unnatural, unreasonable, even crazy. But, God is firmly on the throne and his plans will not be thwarted. So, what feels shaky to us, never is so to Him.
And, God is GOOD. After a few months into this pregnancy, I am trusting God more and more. And believing his goodness and blessing through it, even when I don\’t feel it yet. It is the natural human desire to be in control, but there is such a sweetness and comfort in resting fully in our Father\’s arms. Knowing that his love is strong enough to keep us.
Suffering Redeemed 
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